Beautiful Hardships (Final Narrating Education)

There are so many lessons I've learned in my life, so this is turning out to be a more difficult assignment than I had thought it would be. I've encountered numerous people throughout the years, who have truly made a great impression on me and have taught me valuable lessons, but I've also lived through a whirlwind of events from which I have gained many life experiences and that have taught me lessons as well.

I would write about all of them if I could, but since we are limited on time and length of this essay, the one topic I chose to write about is the most painful lesson of my life, but also the most valuable of all:

The Loss of my First Daughter, and the long Years of Fertility Treatments that followed

I became a Mother at a very young age and in a foreign country. I was born and raised in Germany, so I found myself alone in the States where I had nobody to lean on, except for my husband at the time. My pregnancy was anything but easy. I became very ill and left doctors dumbfounded since none of them really knew what was wrong with me. The medical issues I was experiencing almost resulted in my not surviving the birth of my first child. But I did.

Ronya-Marie Rose Ellison was born on March 3rd of 2000, and although four weeks early, she was 23 1/2 inches long and 8 lbs 5.5 oz. She appeared healthy enough, save for the common case of jaundice which afflicts many newborn Infants, and a minor infection she apparently had, but which Doctors assured me was easily treated with an antibiotic. I also had a speedy recovery, and after 10 days of medical treatment and close observation, both my Daughter and I were released from the Community Hospital in Princeton, WV, and two months later we moved to Tucson AZ to start our lives together.

But our happiness would only be short-lived, for on September 6th of 2000, only days before our Baby Girl would've reached her 6-month mark, she unexpectedly suffered  from a brain aneurism which send her into a coma from which she would never wake again. Words will never describe what a mother feels during the loss of a child. From the moment I called 911, to watching helplessly as my Daughter drew her final breath three days later at the ICU at Tucson Medical Center, all I could think of was:" Why her and not me?" I would've laid my life down to save my Baby in a heartbeat, had that been an option. But there was nothing any Doctor could do for our daughter. She was gone, and our lives continued.

Many people have asked me since then, how I've dealt with my grief.

But how does anyone live through a tragedy without loosing their sanity?

I believe it's all up to us individually, really. I believe that our minds are very powerful, and that we can control our emotions if we really put our mind to it. It is up to us, whether we take shock and trauma and let it affect us negatively, or whether we take these horrible life experiences and gain strength from them. Sadness, Fear, Grief, Depression...etc., all are a state of mind, and you choose how you let them affect you. As for myself, I was always a very upbeat and positive person with a strong conscious, fully aware of my inner self. 

I always had an inner strength that would allow me to keep a clear head during the most trying times of my life, and kept me from just giving up and letting myself go. 

After the loss of my Daughter, I almost wanted to let grief and depression take over and just give up. I had seriously hit my lowest low of all, and so did my husband at the time, who started self medicating by drinking every night until he passed out. He was all I had left, and there was no one there to comfort us and help us through our grief. So I knew I had to keep going and stay strong. For the both of us.

As time passed by, I started teaching myself to focus on other things in life besides my grief and the pain of loss I would feel. I would distract myself by staying busy. I had been a stay at home Mother, so first I decided to get a job. 

Going to work was probably one of the smartest decisions I made during this time. It allowed me to be amongst other people and meet new friends. Every day life was becoming normal again with one exception: I started to realize that, due to my tragic loss I had suffered, I had developed a deeper appreciation for the smaller things so many of us take for granted every day. Overall I strived to be a better person and be thankful for what I still had. And so my life continued on a strong and steady path, my outlook on the world as a whole much altered in a positive way, and my appreciation for the people in my life much deepened.  

But the years that followed, would be far from easy and pain free.

I had always wanted children, so after some time, my then husband and I decided we wanted to try for a second child. But easier said than done.

Besides the fears we had after our first experience, and the "what-if's", we were faced with a new challenge: Infertility!

I remember the day we left the Doctor's office, after receiving the news that we were most likely never going to have another child of our own again. I was completely devastated.

I had experienced parenthood, although very briefly. I had felt the Love one has for their own child. Dreams, hopes and plans I once had for the future had been instantly destroyed, and when I had finally just dared to hope again, this was what fate had chosen for us?

My husband’s drinking was becoming increasingly worst and I started noticing drastic behavior changes in him. I blamed myself for what was happening and decided that I was going to do whatever it took to make things right again. And I was not going to give up on the dream of being a mother again. I was going to fight back and keep trying for something I so desperately wanted.

But I refused to give up. I decided that I was going to fight back and keep trying for something I so desperately wanted.

We ended up leaving Tucson, AZ, along with all it's sad memories and broken dreams, and we eventually ended up in Washington, where we started consulting different Fertility Specialists and seeking multiple options.

We finally settled with one Doctor who was very upbeat with a positive outlook on our situation. He was the only one that actually told me:” If you believe you can do it, then you will, and I will support you both all the way.”

Nobody else was supportive of my decision. I remember my mother calling me from germany one day, maybe during my fourth year of fertility treatments, begging me to please stop “trying”. “Is this really worth all the risks and stress you’re putting yourselve through,” she would ask. I was never mad at her for feeling the way she did because I knew that she was just worried about something happening to me. But at the same time I couldn’t help but feel more lonely than ever during this time. I had nobody to really speak to about what I was going through. No one could relate to how I felt, or understand why I was doing what I was doing. I had no one that could give me words of encouragement or hope, because nobody agreed with my decision. And when I tried to speak to my husband, he would avoid the topic like a plague, so I stopped attempting to have a talk with him about anything “fertility related”.     

The years went by, and the emotional rollercoaster became almost unbearable at times. I remember one day for instance, I ended up in the hospital with severe abdominal pain and extreme bleeding. I found out that I had a “tubal pregnancy” in which the fetus has no chance of growing and developing, and therefore had to be removed. I was released from the hospital the same day. When I arrived at home, I found my husband, who had the day off, playing video games and chugging what appeared to be his 12^th beer of the day. He was completely oblivious as to what had happened to me that day, assuming I was just getting off work. Up to this day he is unaware of that incident. I just quietly retrieved myself to our room and cried uncontrollably, wishing I had somewhere to turn for comfort.

And so the years went by, and I held on to my dream with everything I had. But there came a time when I had to come to terms with the fact that my husband had become an alcoholic, and that our marriage was seriously starting to fall apart. The winter of 2005/2006 was rough. My health insurance at work changed, and some of the fertility drugs that had been partially covered by my old insurance, were going to cost us an additional $600,- Dollars a month now with the new insurance. And then while visiting with family, a relative was trying to back our car out of their driveway and crashed and totaled it. We decided to not sue the relative, mainly to keep the piece in the family and because he was already struggling as it was. So we bit the bullet, bought a new car and decided to quit the fertility treatments. Instead we planned a trip to visit my family in germany for the following summer and try to salvage our marriage. And that’s when I found out that I was expecting again.

I wish I could end this story with: And they lived happily ever after, The End!

But that’s not realistic. My pregnancy ended up being a breeze the second time around, save for the monthly trips I had to take to the UW for extensive check up’s. With the close care and support I was receiving from some of the best fertility specialists I could’ve asked for, 

I was able to give birth to Angelina Juliana Ellison on the 6^th of October 2006.  And maybe it wasn’t the most perfect time to have a Baby in my life, she was the most perfect Baby I had ever seen. My husband and I were never able to save our marriage again. We tried for our daughters sake, but things just kept getting worst. We separated when Angelina was only 2 ½ years old and finalized our divorce four years later,  in the summer of 2012. I have been living with my boyfriend for over a year now and couldn’t be happier. I never gave up on having a child again, even after the painful loss of my

 first and only child.

 In conclusion I like to say, that all of these experiences have taught me patience, perseverance, strength and courage. Don’t let the bad times bring you down, but just learn from them and keep going. In the end it’ll all be worth it, because if you set a goal and you really keep working towards it, then someday you will. I hope that my story can also encourage you to never give up. I hope you can draw some strength and inspiration from my experience either now or in the future and utilize them in your own life. That’s why I like to share this story, my beautiful hardships.